iRate.

Seeing as how their whole profession relies on their ability to intrigue and motivate their audience, one might expect that people who go into advertising would be the cleverest and most creative our society has to offer.

That certainly is the reputation that advertising-types get—witty, shrewd, keen. I used to subscribe to this theory as well, but recent events have shifted the whole enchilada of my perception on the subject. I now regard the majority of these individuals to be mindless twits, lemmings marching toward the precipice’s edge.

What changed my mind, you ask? Well, it all began when Apple released the now legendary staple of MP3 players, the iPod. Surely, a fantastic product that has revolutionized the way I dust the house as well as an absolute marketing triumph.

But my hot water is not with Apple. Rather, I aim my disgust squarely at the seemingly unending population of marketers who felt it advisable to exploit Apple’s advertising scheme by applying it to their own products.

Since the iPod’s rise to fame, we’ve witnessed the arrival of such ridiculous and pilfered products as the iHair, iFloor, iCast, iGrill, iPaper, iWatch, and iMattress. In fact, if you attach the letter 'i' to the front of any noun (and most verbs) and Google it, you’ll find a product of that name. Is there iFood? Absolutely. What about iPants? Yep. There couldn’t possibly be a product called the iShip-in-a-Bottle*. Oh, there could. And there is.

I am afraid to say that things have grown even more dire than the “Got Milk?” crisis of the 1990’s. For a few dark years, the country was under the dank impression that it was absolutely hilarious to plaster a “Got ____?” (fill in the blank with absolutely anything at all, no matter how completely stupid) sticker onto the rear window of your car.

It was not funny then. And it makes me want to throw up now.

The prime concern is not how far we will sink. (I think we already hit rock bottom with the advent of the all too real iBlood). The question is who among us will be able to refrain? Will the potential profit margins associated with this extremely tacky form of marketing encourage me to capitalize on the public’s undeniable demand for an iNachos? How long until I’m attending iChurch? When, if ever, will I pick up an iNewspaper to check the iPrices of my iStocks on the iStockMarket? It’s all very depressing.

*For the record, the only one of these products that doesn't actually exist is the iShip-in-a-Bottle. Yet.