the one about envelopes

While shopping for envelopes the other day I realized just how uniquely odd a product they really are. I was examining the shelves’ different boxes, trying to decide which variety of envelope would most fully convey my cheery-but-not-cheesy outlook on life, when my attention was nabbed by the instructions on the side of one of the boxes:

1. Place letter in envelope
2. Lick flap.
3. Press to seal.

It struck me that envelopes are perhaps the only product that one can purchase in which the product’s instructions direct the new owner to lick the product. It’s weird. And applied to another product, we see just how weird a directive the above Step 2 really is. Imagine instructions for powering up a new computer:

1. Insert power cord in wall socket.
2. Press ‘Power’ button found on tower.
3. Lick.
4. Wait for Windows to open (and then suck by involuntarily shutting down at really inconvenient times).

It’s just weird that there exists a product that encourages us to lick, a behavior typical of social deviants. But of course there are lollypops and popsicles and other food-oriented products that also engender licking. But there’s no instructions on these foods. The licking is implied. I guess what makes me nervous about envelopes is that I have to be told to lick them. If the need for licking a thing isn’t obvious enough as to not require instructions, I don’t think I want to be licking that thing. The scariest part is that the instructions on the box tell me to do the very same act that in elementary school constituted a dare. “Lick it. I dare you.” “Do you double dare me?” “I double dog dare you.” It seemed like a bad idea then and it seems like a bad idea now.

After some pondering, an idea map, and a flow chart or two, I identified another product that requires (or required) licking—stamps. What is it with the letter writing process and licking? Is there some intrinsic link between the two? It's mysterious and just another reason I prefer e-mail.