wealth.

I’ll be really surprised if by the time I kick the bucket, I haven’t accumulated billions upon billions of dollars. When my fortune does finally come to fruition, you’ll know, because I’ll probably dress like the Monopoly man and contribute so much money to ASU that Ira Fulton won’t even have as much as a parking space named after him on all of campus. To celebrate our wedding anniversary, I’ll have a huge likeness of Angela’s face painted upon the side the children’s hospital I built for her birthday. While playing doubles tennis, Warren Buffet will ask me what my secret is and I’ll say something understatedly profound like “Warren, whatever you think, think the opposite.” He'll shake his head in awe and spend the next week wondering why he didn't think to think the opposite of what he thinks.

The only problem is that I don’t know what it is that I will do to generate my excessive wealth. Should my eventual business card read “Clint Hardison, Real Estate Tycoon” or “Clint Hardison, Yacht Mogul”? Should I make all my money by establishing a multi-level marketing company that sells a nutritious fruity drink that doubles as face wash? Or should I start a chain of Laundromat/Chinese Buffets? (How better to pass the time waiting for your delicates to dry than to consume inhuman amounts of General Tso’s Chicken?)

But because I just returned from a mission reunion in Utah where I realized that everyone in the world is getting rich off of multi-level marketing but me, my most recent moneymaking idea is indeed to start a multi-level marketing campaign. It’s called Exercise Your Faith. Here’s my pitch:

What’s the number one excuse people give for not exercising? And how do people explain their lack of quality scripture study? In both cases, they whine of there being “not enough time.” Well, it’s time to put that haggard old excuse to bed. By consolidating these two activities, a person can shrink physically while growing spiritually. That’s why we at Exercise Your Faith have developed a series of exercise videos that cater especially to the busy Mormon.

Watch as your extremely modestly dressed host expounds upon the scriptures while leading you in a challenging aerobic workout. Discover the cardiovascular benefits of Primary song hand motions while trotting in place. Unlock the hidden meaning in Isaiah while simultaneously unlocking your body’s hidden potential.

And don’t think that just because the aerobics instructor gave the invocation that she can’t kick some butt. Periodically, she’ll yell through the TV screen “That better not be murmuring I hear!” and “Come on, gird up those loins!” and “Ok, just endure to the end of this lunge and we’ll move onto Jacob 5.”

We at Exercise Your Faith guarantee an edifying workout. So, instead of those inappropriately suggestive beats that accompany most workout videos, you’ll sweat to the spiritually uplifting sounds of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (aka MoTab). That’s why the first installment of Mormon Exercise Videos is called “Crank up your Motab-olism!”

So get ready to put on the Under-Armor of God and become fit for the kingdom in a whole new way. Order Today!

If you’re interested in becoming a monthly subscriber to or building your own business through Exercise Your Faith please email me at crankupyourmotabolism@eyf.com .

I can already taste the finger sandwiches and Brie cheese that Warren Buffet’s help will bring to quiet our stomachs after a rousing match on the clay.