fire.

Whoever came up with the old axiom “you have to fight fire with fire” is an idiot, or at the very least, has never had any personal experience with fire. If your couch bursts into flames, the absolute worst thing you can do is start another fire and then hope that the second fire out-fires the first fire. I’m not even sure what bizarre sort of mind would expect such an improbable turn of events—definitely not the type of mind that we should trust to be creating the axioms that define our society and definitely not the type of person who should be allowed to own scented candles. What’s missing is a basic understanding of how fire works. See, even if the second fire did engulf and overcome the initial fire, now all you have on your hands is a fire that is doubly strong and even more threatening. Because now you have a fire that has developed a taste for fire. And if there’s one thing that sounds worse than fire, it’s a fire that has added cannibalism to its long list of sinister properties.

Still, maybe the principle behind the axiom is what the author was really after. Perhaps he or she was trying to say something more akin to “Fight Indian burns with Indian burns” or “Fight punches with punches”—a sort of inverse of the golden rule: what others do to harm you, you should do to harm them. It's a notion as rife with moral indifference as the classics “eye for an eye” or “finders keepers.” But obviously, such sayings aren’t really concerned with perpetuating brotherly love or cuddling or the 3 AM sharing of homemade baked goods and most embarrassing moments at slumber parties. No, these are results-oriented sayings. And I believe that if results was what the author was after, the “fight fire with fire” or “fight punches with punches” axiom falls a little bit short. If we could combine the two, then we’d have an axiom that really gets us somewhere. May I suggest the synthesis, the sum of which is far greater than its parts: “Fight punches with fire.” Now, the principle behind that axiom has got some legs. If abided by, I promise, no one will ever punch you twice. That’s results.