Tuesday, November 22, 2011


Baseball season is over. Finally. Thank goodness. I think it’s hard to deny how awful watching that game can be. The immense boredom it oozes has on more than one occasion caused me to reach for the dictionary just to make sure that I correctly understand the definition of the word game. Because I don’t know about you, but I was raised to understand that that word connotes some degree of fun. And—let’s get honest—the level of fun provided by watching baseball falls somewhere between trying on dress slacks and Swiffering.

One of the least tolerable aspects of the professional baseball season is the length. A 162-game regular season sounds like something that started out as a joke and eventually everyone forgot that it was a joke and so it gradually became kind of normal, just like faux hawks or Bill O’Reilly or anything that’s a throwback to the 80s. Add to that an eight-week spring training and a post season of approximately equal duration and the whole racket spans something like thirteen months—virtually every moment of which I find torturous. “Hey, here’s a sport that is super boring. But don’t worry; there’s a freaking ton of it.”

When fans discover the loathing I harbor for baseball they invariably respond by referring to their beloved pastime as “the thinking man’s game.” Somewhat offended at their implication, I typically reply by asking them what their least favorite food is. “Oh, so you hate pineapple, huh? Well, it just so happens that pineapple is the thinking man’s food. How unfortunate that your personal preference contradicts such a completely arbitrary assertion and therefore disqualifies you from intelligence.” As if baseball is so darn complex that the only explanation for not liking it is an inability to comprehend. I plangently disagree. If I can figure out what those daffy Ikea assembly instructions are getting at, I’m sure I can figure out baseball. As is the case with Lost, it's not that I can't follow what's going on; I just don’t care.

Fans refer to it as America’s pastime. I think that’s a fairly antiquated characterization. If Americans are anything like me, they don't often want to simply pass time. And when they do, that kind of mindlessness is now reserved for activities such as Will It Blend? and Nicolas Cage movies. These days we view our free hours as valuable. People want to be entertained, enlightened, or at the very least briefly deadened to the painful disappointment that is their respective daily lives. But none of those experiences are provided via the all-too-real halt of the sixth inning in which Jonathan Paplebon warms up by pitching to no one for twelve minutes. It’s unflinching archaicism like that that causes individual games to stretch on seemingly forever—three, four, five hours in length. And who in the world can afford to invest that much time into a single sporting event? It’s utterly preposterous. Unless, of course, we're talking about football.


Jenna said...

Oh my GOSH. This was so funny I almost peed my thinking woman's pants.

I can't stand baseball and neither can Dillon. He'll appreciate this post for sure.

SEO Charity said...

This sounds like it was written by someone who just wasn't ever really good at baseball, or any sport for that matter! Hitting a baseball is the single hardest thing to do in ALL of sports. Google it.

I do agree that the season should be shorter; however, the playoffs needs to be longer.

Apparently you didn't follow the last day of the regular season this year (one of the most exciting days in regular season baseball history), and you didn't watch the latest World Series (the most exciting World Series in all of Baseball history).

I guess I have respect for the game, because of the difficulty level, and skill required. I've played baseball my whole life and continue to play it recreationally (yes, they do have fast pitch leagues). I've also played soccer, golf, tennis, and football competitively, but baseball is still my #1.

Just like music, art, clothes, etc. - it's all subjective!

clintclintclintclint said...

i've played sports all my life and continue to do so today. i am good at them. i was plenty capable at baseball as a kid.

i simply find watching baseball boring. and one percent of baseball being exciting does not, to me, compensate for ninety-nine percent of it being extremely boring.

do you really think that the fact that preference is subjective escaped me? of course it is. the whole post is a joke and hyperbole to the max and merely a sardonic exaggeration of my opinion.

Lindsey Kilpatrick said...

So what is your take on tee ball?

Beth said...

I love to play baseball/softball but hate watching it. hate it. hate it. Jared LOVES IT SO MUCH I will have to have him read this post. ha ha.

cherryl said...

ha ha ha. All true stuff. If we were voting on favorite paragraphs... I would have to cast my vote to the last paragraph in your response to "SEO Charity".

Such a clever, witty cousin you are.

PS- Ashlin went out with this guy last weekend who hearts her, and she came home saying how funny he is and that she loved hanging out with him... and that he and his buddies reminded her of all the older boy cousins in the fam. Oooo, maybe he's a keeper.... unless I don't want him sleeping in my front yard... ha ha.

Anonymous said...

Put the thesaurus in a difficult-to-reach place next time you decide to grace the Internet with your opinions. Verbose and pretentious, with the occasional glimmer of a good idea, but all too quickly hidden behind layers of adjectives. Reading your blog is like the worst part of college literature classes, where you have to read papers by peers who mistakenly think they can write. Ugh, I need a shower.

clintclintclintclint said...

hello anonymous,

it's true. i do occasionally enjoy the use of a few words found along less trodden paths. words like "immense" or "antiquated." i apologize if these are beyond your reading level. or maybe you didn't like my use of "archaicism"--a close derivative of the word "archaic," which i'll admit, is pretty out there as far as three-syllable words go.

i'm glad that we've identified the worst part of a college literature class--people who are learning to write. folks of that kind should definitely avoid such environments. apparently, writing classes are reserved for savants such as yourself, who have mastered writing and are so secure in their mastery that they spend their time posting anonymous, untraceable blog comments. (i bet that's how joyce passed his time.) please, given your obvious expertise in all things literary, provide us a link to your work, or at least some identification so that we can rush out and purchase your latest hardcover and thereby bask in your authorly prowess.

as a reminder, if you don't like my blog, you don't have to read my blog. b-hole.

Emily Porter said...

Hahaha that was the best reply ever. I enjoy reading your blog. That is why I am here, reading it. Duh.