clint outdoes the economists yet again

I’m on constant watch. I’m trying to avoid the slow plunge into idleness that claims so many Americans. This laziness ravages those whom it touches, eventually leaving them with no aspirations at all except to make sure to be home with the pizza by the time American Idol starts. I’ll admit though, I can’t claim complete immunity. I realized recently that I’ve stopped purchasing products that say things like “some assembly required” or “ready in minutes” (they try to trick you with that one). Even “just add water” sends me into an illogical tirade directed at the box that contains my would-be dinner: “First of all, don’t tell me what to do. Secondly, why didn’t you do that before the Hamburger Helper was in the box? I mean you already had all the stuff right in front of you; why not just finish the job, Betty Crocker, if that is your real name?!”

As I said, I don’t think I’m alone. I think much of America is riding shotgun in my slow descent into laziness. But that is just a hunch. There are no cold hard statistics to support that claim because laziness is a really tricky thing for economists and other college-graduate-types to measure. But I think I figured out how; I bet the most accurate measurement for America’s laziness is IKEA’s annual revenues. The two variables are inversely related of course. The lazier America is, the less they buy stuff from IKEA (because then they have to put it together). A more robust attitude on the part of Americans translates into higher revenue for IKEA; ergo, we have an easy and accurate measurement for national indolence—IKEA sales.

Think about it—is a lazy person willing to deal with wordless instructions, wayward hammers occasionally landing upon unsuspecting thumbs, particleboard that becomes an increasingly accurate representation of its name, and countless unmanageable little wood pegs? I think not. According to the website www.ikea’sannaulrevenuesasameasurementofamerica’slazziness.org IKEA’s annual revenues are down. Doesn’t sound like good news for the old American ideals of hard work and industriousness.

I sometimes wonder when America will be so lazy that products with the forewarning “assembly required” will become entirely obsolete. Far off or just around the corner, that day will really rattle the jigsaw puzzle industry. I can only imagine the whole family gathering around the coffee table for some jigsaw-oriented quality time. They’ll open the box, remove the “puzzle” and set it on the table. Done. On the box’s cover it will read “Number of Pieces: 1” and everyone will go back to their video games, web browsing, and reality shows.

This whole endemic of laziness ruffles my feathers enough that I think I just might do something about it . . . but on second thought . . . meh.