momma didn't raise no fuel.

In hopes of cashing in on the hard work of others, investors are ever watchful for the next big out-of-nowhere-but-hugely-lucrative stock. When the next Microsoft, Xerox or Tickle-Me-Elmo stock does come along, they’ll be there, savagely shaking their clenched fists from which protrude wads of cash like green tops of carrots emerging from soil. Most likely, however, the vast majority of investor hopefuls will arrive just a little too late; the prize will have already been pillaged by another who by now is sailing away in his new yacht called something like “Buy Lo Sail Hi” or “The Investour.”

Fortunately, I’ve found an alternate way to hit it big. Simple and surefire, today’s most lucrative cash cow has been under our collective nose for well over a half century, all the while remaining grossly under utilized. It has an impeccable history of constant appreciation in value and shows no signs of relenting. And whether we like it or not, it is eternally attached directly to the veins of every red-blooded American. It’s gasoline. And it’s going to make me rich.

What did you pay for gas today? $3.80? $3.85? $3.90? Shucks, that's a full $1.50 more than you paid last year at this time. Who knows what gas will go for next year —$5.00? $6.00? Maybe we will stop using dollars altogether and just start trading precious family heirlooms for gas.

So I’ve got a plan. While you’re sitting there moaning about the price of gas, I’m buying it all up. Right this minute I have thirty-four hundred gallons of gas sitting in my garage. My attic is chock-full of the stuff. It’s starting to leak through the ceiling. Yesterday, Angela and I built a fort out of the canisters we’ve been storing in our bedroom and watched the new half live-action Alvin and the Chipmunks movie on her laptop surrounded by gallon after gallon of the very liquid gold that will most certainly secure our future.

Then next year, when gas prices are utterly astronomical, I will open up The Gas Hole, the Hardison family gas station. Gas that I purchased and stored in 2008 for $3.80 will sell for seven or eight bucks in 2009. Sure, my lack of pumps and nozzles and other typical gas station paraphernalia might take some time for customers to get used to, but when I’m in position to undercut all the major gas chains by twenty cents per gallon, people won’t mind scooping their gas with a ladle from a horse trough in my garage. Life will be good.