the haircut cycle of shame.

I got a hair cut last night. It's a notably clean-cut departure from the intentional untidiness that has for so long characterized my hairdo philosophy. I find myself pleased not only with the cut, but also because it provides me an opportunity to post a haircut-oriented piece that I composed in my high school years. Enjoy:

Oh I got a haircut today. The haircut cycle started over. It’s a five stage process.

Stage one: The most painful—the first week or two after the haircut wherein I look like a third grader.

Stage two: Life becomes livable again, but I am by no means flourishing. Compared to the wholeseome good looks of someone like an Eddie Winslow, I'm barely keeping my head above water.

Stage three: Stage three occurred last Wednesday—peak day—the day that my hair hits the perfect length. You can often tell my peak days because I strut. Hard.

Stage four: Post-Peak Syndrome sets in. The gradual transition from perfect hair to a shaggy mess is a difficult experience. Grumpiness and irritability tend to set in. My advice to you is when you notice that I am suffering from PPS, be sensitive and understand that it is out of my control. Other signs of PPS include low neck line, bushiness around the ears, and moptoppedness.

Stage five (Stage one): The (re)haircut. Preferring a look of scruffiness to a look of pre-pubescence, I try appeasing my mother with all kinds of excuses not to get a haircut, the best of which is "Jesus had long hair mom. Don't you want me to be like Jesus?" As she prepares dinner, I'll spend a few minutes reiterating my arguments while angelically posing next to the Greg Olsen painting near the kitchen. "We're like twins!" I’ll declare while she mulls over my proposition. Such techniques are effective, but only for a few days, no more. Inevitably, a hair cut is forced upon me, once more turning me into a third grader and commencing the whole vicious cycle yet again.

I explain the haircut cycle of shame specifically for all those girls out there who are either insensitive or oblivious to my cycles. I'd appreciate a just a little concern. Thanks.

hugs.

Don’t tell me to give someone a hug for you. Because I’m not going to. That hug which you gave to me to give to another I will hoard for myself instead.

The value of the American dollar is rapidly depleting. Eventually it will fail altogether. And then we’ll have to find a new form of currency. People will suggest all sorts of things to replace the dollar —gold, baseball cards, those rubbery Lance Armstrong wrist band things, wampum—you know, whatever. And that’s when I will create an extremely powerful and persuasive political action committee to lobby Washington lawmakers. Under the profound influence of my lobbyist henchmen, the federal government will unite to decree hugs to be the new national currency. And because every time someone hugs me and tells me to pass it on to another party I instead keep it for myself, I’ll be the richest man in America. Hugs-wise.

How to Win.

Because I’ve wanted to win friends and influence people as of late, I’ve been reading the old classic How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. He gives all sorts of helpful advice for people like me who want to either charm or manipulate everyone they come in contact with. I will admit, however, that the book, which was initially published in the 1920’s, does occasionally show its age. For instance, Carnegie devotes an entire chapter to the principle that “you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” Now, don’t get me wrong—it’s a great principle. When trying to create in others a desire to behave in accordance with our whims, kindness almost always proves a more effective agent than harshness. Yet in this, Carnegie shows just how out of touch his method truly is.

These days, if I want to catch me a throng of flies, I don’t reach for honey. I reach for a roll of fly tape. Fly tape is far more effective than honey. Its concentrated formula contains chemicals that are absolutely irresistible to flies. Intoxicated with the alluring aroma, the flies come aswarmin’, only to be trapped in the gooey adhesive. If catching the largest number of flies as thoroughly as possible is your goal, assuredly, fly tape, not honey, is the way to go.

So our new axiom that we can apply to human interaction is: “you can catch more flies with fly tape than with honey.” From this little logical exercise we glean one very practical application—when attempting to coerce another into doing your will, remember that deceptive enticement followed by entrapment is a more effective policy that kindness. If you want a lick of someone's ice cream cone, ask nicely—then push it in their face and take it. If you’d like a fellow classmate to give you a ride home after class, perhaps some amiable small talk followed by a swift kick in crotch would get the message across. What’s that—you fancy that old lady’s oxygen tank? Well by all means, help her halfway across the street and then rip it from her bony, feeble hands.

I’ve found this principle to be so effective that I’m devoting an entire chapter to it in my upcoming book How to Win. Period.